5 Vital Things Church Planting Spouses Need to Thrive

by Deb Sternke · Apr 9, 2018

I had an opportunity to share on the V3 blog about 5 Vital Things Church Planting Spouses Need to Thrive.

V3 is a church planting movement that comes alongside church plants to support and train through learning cohorts, assessments, and resources. Our church plant has greatly appreciated their help!

5 Vital Things Church Planting Spouses Need to Thrive

Like many spouses who supported their partners through schooling, I was thrilled to finally see the end of a long, hard season. My husband Ben had just graduated and was now moving into his first full-time ministry job. That’s when reality hit me: This is going to make me a “pastor’s wife”.

And then I did one of the worst things you could possibly do: I drove to the library and checked out all the books I could find on being a pastor’s wife. I needed to know what this new role was going to look like – I needed a “What to Expect When You’re a Pastor’s Spouse” type of book. Something to show me the ropes, help me see what would be coming and get me prepared for this new life.

Now, these kinds of books are probably much better than they used to be. However, at the time, what I found basically said now that I’m a pastor’s wife it means that my marriage, my family and every area of our lives would be under stress, overworked and on the brink of collapse.

Is it all going to be hard?

Church planting has its unique challenges and is different than leading an existing church. There can be lots of meetings at your house, financial risks can weigh heavy, social pressures that can linger, there are millions of details to think through, etc.

Planting a church does put you to the test, but it hasn’t been all doomsday and horror. It’s true that it hasn’t been easy, but it hasn’t been exactly what I feared it would be either. For me, it has been rewarding, life-giving, beautiful AND it has been challenging, difficult and draining.

So, being intentional about self-care during this season has been a lifesaver. There are many things I know now that I wish I knew then.

Here are five vital things that supported and sustained me as we stepped into church planting and ministry roles:

1.Find a support network outside of your spouse

There are those rare people who aren’t in ministry who know how to listen and ask appropriate questions without judgment or quick fixes. However, being able to talk with others who are in the same role was crucial.

Regularly chatting with other pastor’s spouses helped to normalize everything I was feeling, thinking and experiencing. It’s easy to feel alone and like you’re the only one going through this. Talking with others opened up a sense of mutuality and gave me a sense of “I’m not the only one.”

If your spouse is the only one you talk to about the highs and lows of planting it won’t be enough. You need others who can listen, be there for you, say, “Yeah, me too.” and pray for you. Look for this kind of support… take some time to find others.

2. Schedule regular date nights

“One of the best investments you can make into your marriage is a weekly date night.”

That was the best marriage advice we ever got; it has also been the hardest advice to implement. On a pastor’s salary and with no family nearby, it was hard to imagine how this would be possible. Eventually, we found an older teenager who loved kids and made it a regular part of our week.

Being able to connect, be present with each other, and have fun together has been a marriage saver. Our kids got the opportunity to see that Dad and Mom love spending time together. And honestly, I was a better mom once I got back because I wasn’t so stressed!

There are so many creative resources for date nights out there, but even if it’s simply sitting on the porch with some drinks- it will be worth it. If once a week doesn’t sound doable, give once a month a shot.

3. If you have kids, take them on Daddy/Mommy dates

Kids remember the time you spent with them. The little conversations. How you were present with them. The intentional quality time. It shows them that they are important and special.

These kinds of connection can help you weather any storm. I remember my Dad taking me out to McDonald’s for ice cream with great fondness.

Invest in quality time with each kiddo: Coffee dates, go out to eat, see a movie, walk to the pond to skip rocks, etc.

4. Invest in coaching

In church planting, you will probably quickly discover that you give a lot. You pour out in so many areas and in so many ways.

Here’s the thing: if you only have an outflow and no inflow – you’re in danger. Having an inflow to sustain the outflow will save you from running on empty and drying up.

When we have both an inflow and outflow, we have a natural dynamic that brings life. We are giving and getting, being filled and passing it on, investing and receiving – this is how we become like the spring of eternal life Jesus talks about in the gospel of John. Living and loving like Jesus is marked by being filled AND giving it away. Find someone to invest in you.

5. Remember the success or failure of this church plant is not up to you

Repeat that. Now repeat that again. You may even want to tattoo this on your forehead so you can read it in a mirror every time you are struggling to believe it.

It’s so easy to fall into striving, feeling like it’s all up to you and your spouse, pushing yourself beyond your physical and emotional limits, etc. When we live out of this kind of performance-based mentality it always weighs us down. It will never bring the easy yoke that Jesus spoke of in the gospels.

We are partners with a living God who is alive and active in us and through us. The life to which we are called is one of partnership with a loving, willing, and powerful God who chooses to use his people to bring healing to the nations. He is the initiator and finisher; you can release the church plant to Him.

Church planting is a unique call that involves the whole family. Supporting spouses and kids throughout the process is essential so that they can all thrive. I pray that these few suggestions help you be supported and sustained through this enriching and exciting season!

Let’s Break the Cycle of Non-Discipleship in the Church

by Deb Sternke · Apr 3, 2018

This blogpost was originally posted on Gravity Leadership’s blog.

Gravity Leadership trains leaders for discipleship and mission.

They help leaders get off the exhausting hamster wheel of ministry busyness and focus on the one thing Jesus gave us: making disciples.

They coach and train leaders for multiplying discipleship, using simple, reproducible tools that are proven, practical, and powerful.

The result is that leaders get their lives back, ministry becomes a joy again, and churches have a sustainable, multiplying process for making disciples.

Let’s Break the Cycle of Non-Discipleship

My husband and I planted a church several years ago, and the beginning stages were really exciting. It was a time of passionate vision, excitement about possibilities and anticipation about what God would do through our community.

Dallas Willard’s quote about the church and discipleship stirred our hearts: “We must be disciples, we must intend to make disciples, and we must know how to bring people to believe that Jesus really is the one.”

How can I give away something I’ve never received?

As the first few months went on, despite the books, conferences, and podcasts on discipleship we were consuming, we quickly became aware that we had no idea what we were doing.

I was left asking myself, “How am I suppose to make disciples when I’ve never been directly discipled by anyone?”

I was struck that no one had ever intentionally come alongside me to disciple me—to show me the way.

And then I found out I wasn’t alone.

In fact, Dallas Willard also said, “Non-discipleship is the elephant in the church.”

This was the reality I was bumping up against. Despite the fact that Jesus’ last words to us were to make disciples, most of us have not experienced an intentional discipling relationship. We have not had someone who has walked alongside us to help us be with Jesus, to learn from him on how to be like him.

After wallowing in self-pity for awhile about this (something I’m frequently tempted to do!), I resolved that the cycle of non-discipleship would not continue through me.

Finding a discipling relationship

Shortly after I made my resolution, a friend invited me to be part of a discipleship group she was starting. Looking back, I grew more in that year of intentional discipleship than I ever had before.

After that season, I began to intentionally disciple others. And I’d love to say that it led to a season of fabulous breakthrough, church growth and amazing change in our lives. But it was more a mixture: of struggle, breakthrough, wrestling, growth, trial, and error.

As I’ve stumbled forward, I’ve learned a few things in my journey to become a disciple and to disciple others. Here are 4 ways you can help interrupt the cycle of non-discipleship through your life:

1. Look for God in the ordinary and help others do the same

God is always present and at work. He uses the everyday situations of life to grow us more and more into the image of Jesus. And he invites us to participate with him in this work.

Discipleship is more about paying attention to what God is doing in our lives and the lives of others than about checking things off the “list of things to know about God.”

Today, ask yourself and those you are discipling these simple questions:

Where is God present and at work in our lives?
Where are the high points?
Where are the low points?

These are the places where God is seeking to meet us.

2. Find small ways to walk with others

Discipleship never happens individualistically. It’s always in the context of community. We need to be with each other for discipleship to happen. We invite others into our lives and we are present in theirs. We say, “Come walk with me. Let’s do this together.”

The old African proverb expresses this beautifully, “If you want to go quickly, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”

Today, where can you be intentional in helping your path cross with those you’re discipling? Eating together? Texting to ask how someone’s day is going? How can you connect this week?

3. Lead in weakness, not strength or perfection

If you’re anything like me, you’re probably thinking, “I don’t have everything figured out. Honestly, I’m kind of a mess over here! So, how in the world can I disciple others?”

The good news is that we don’t have to be a perfect example, just a living one. Actually, leading from a place of “I have all the answers and everything figured out” is a recipe for disaster.

Jesus is the only perfect example; so we look to him and follow. His promise to us is that in our weakness, he is strong (2 Cor. 12:9). His power is made perfect in our weakness. So being weak is the only pre-requisite!

Today, how can you release the pressure to be perfect and have it all together? What ways can you lead in the midst of your weakness?

4. Lean into vulnerability

Being vulnerable is essential in discipleship. And not just for the person we’re discipling, but for us as well! Our vulnerability gives permission to others to be vulnerable. It sets the stage, opens the door and helps people know the call isn’t to perfection.

Shame wants us to hide our imperfections because it says it’s the only way we’ll truly be loved, wanted, valued and accepted. Being vulnerable paves the way for others to be honest about their struggles. This is the place where God’s power meets us in mighty ways, bringing connection, healing, and freedom.

Today, what can you share about your life that would help pave the way for vulnerability?

No previous experience necessary

I’m still figuring out what it looks like for me to disciple others with my personality, stage of life and gifting in mind. Honestly, I’m learning more and more that discipleship is not a cookie-cutter process that we can just tell others to copy exactly for immediate, instant results.

At the very end of the gospels, Jesus leaves us with a call and a promise. The invitation is to discipleship. The promise is that He will be with us to the very end of the age. (Matthew 28:20)

He invites each one of us to follow him, and this involves being a disciple and making disciples. He will equip us for this call, even if we’ve never been directly discipled ourselves. I’m thankful today that He promised to never leave us on this journey of discipleship!

Want to read more about discipleship? Check out these other blog posts:

One Way To Deepen Relationships

by Deb Sternke · Sep 21, 2017

This blogpost was originally posted on Gravity Leadership’s blog.

Gravity Leadership trains leaders for discipleship and mission.

They help leaders get off the exhausting hamster wheel of ministry busyness and focus on the one thing Jesus gave us: making disciples.

They coach and train leaders for multiplying discipleship, using simple, reproducible tools that are proven, practical, and powerful.

The result is that leaders get their lives back, ministry becomes a joy again, and churches have a sustainable, multiplying process for making disciples.

One Way To Deepen Relationships

One of the questions we get a lot is “How do we cultivate a stronger sense of community in our groups?” It seems many leaders are noticing that it’s easy to organize groups around projects or curriculum, but more challenging to cultivate a real sense of spiritual family.

I’m going to share a practice that we’ve engaged in that’s been really helpful for this. But first, let’s talk about words.

Words create worlds

How many words do you hear in a day?

Some say 30,000 words; others put the total much higher. This varies from person to person, depending on environment, personality and many other factors. (Parents of young kids who hear questions ALL. DAY. LONG. are definitely on the higher end!)

Point is we hear words all the time. But words are more than just sounds that bring information. Words have power to do a lot more.

Rabbi Abraham Heschel says, “Words create worlds.” They have the power to create when spoken. They bring about new realities.

The universe was brought into existence through words. In Genesis, God said “Let there be light,” and there was light. God spoke and our world was brought to life.

“Words are God’s tool for creating the universe,” says Susannah Heschel. They are his creation tool for bringing life into being.

Jesus healed people with words. Many suffering from sickness were made completely well by hearing two small words: “Be healed.” Their lives were changed in an instant. All sorts of possibilities were suddenly open to them because of just two small sounds.

Using our words like God

Since we are created in God’s image we also have the powerful gift of words. And with this gift comes great responsibility. The Book of Proverbs tells us that death and life are in the power of the tongue. We must be full of care when using this powerful tool. Words have the ability to completely change the trajectory of someone’s life.

How many of us remember something spoken to us as children that still seems to hinder us today? Or something spoken to us that encouraged us that we continually go back to for strength?

Words have power to harm, tear down, destroy, break apart. Words also have power to heal, help, encourage, strengthen, embolden and empower.

Since we’re created in God’s image I wonder what comes into existence when we use our words to bless someone else? What kind of world could be opened up in conversations within our communities? What new reality could be created?

Blessing with our words

So here’s one way to deepen relationships in missional communities – it’s a practice that uses the power of words. It’s called “Birthday Blessings.”

It’s pretty simple: If anyone has a birthday coming up, we take a few minutes to name some things that we see and appreciate in that person.

Here are a few examples:

“I’ve noticed how you’re always smiling and how much I love that about you. I can’t count the number of times your smile has brightened my day. And your laugh is so contagious! I really love your laugh. You are such a joy to be around and a great friend.”
“I appreciate how you ask lots of questions. They are always so interesting and insightful. I love how God has made you to be curious. Keep asking questions and being curious!”
“I love how good you are with children. You seem to find so much joy playing with them, helping them and talking with them. I think you have a real gift!”
“You have a way with other people that really puts them at ease. I think people find it easy to trust you. You’re a great listener and I always know you care deeply.”

Through this practice, we are speaking good news over one another. We speak identity and calling into each other. We are gospeling each other and this calls us into something deeper. It sometimes helps us see things we haven’t seen before. And it sometimes confirms something we have known, but perhaps have doubted.

There is a simplicity in this practice and yet it never fails to be an incredibly significant time for everyone involved. It’s a powerful practice because it is one of the ways that we build a sense of family among us.

It fosters connection by saying “I see you. I hear you. I appreciate you. You are valued here and we wouldn’t be the same without you.” It calls us up, cultivates life and even sometimes, brings much needed healing.

This practice can be a particularly significant for children. It’s one thing for a child’s parent to tell them something they like about them. But when other people in the community speak this into a child, it has a different impact.

Do try this at home 😉

Next time you’re with your missional community or small group or just with your own family, try doing this. Intentionally bless someone with your words. Share something you’re noticing about them or something you appreciate about them and see what happens.

(You don’t need to reserve it for people with birthdays, of course! We sometimes do a spontaneous appreciation party where we just appreciate everyone at the table like this.)

Just try it, I guarantee you will walk away different.

Sign up for the Gravity Leadership newsletter to join a community of leaders who are learning to lead like Jesus, live on mission, and make disciples. Get free content, resources and early access to new opportunities!

Ministry’s Most Commonly Forgotten Secret

by Deb Sternke · Jul 6, 2017

I had an opportunity to share on the V3 blog about Ministry’s Most Commonly Forgotten Secret.

My week had been particularly hectic, stressful and busy. But honestly, so had the week before! After thinking more about it, I realized that actually we hadn’t taken a day off in more than a few weeks now. Things just kept popping up. I’d say to myself, “This is just a season. It’s how it is now, but it won’t always be like this. We can rest sometime next week and catch up.”

What I really needed was rest. When planting a church, one of the easiest things to be put on the back burner is the need for rest. It’s essential to take a break from our work. If we neglect this, we have the candle lit at both ends and will end up burning out.

Church planters are especially vulnerable to to burn out. Look at any church planter’s planner and you’ll see a never-ending list. There is just so much to do:

Build a core team
Fundraising
Cast vision
Create vision booklets
Make phone calls to supporters
Write emails to keep your prayer team up to speed

And all of this is in addition to regular life stuff:

Taking the kids to soccer practice
Making cookies for the fundraiser
Working out to stay in shape
Keeping up with friendships
Planning a date night with the spouse

Sounds exhausting just reading these lists isn’t it? (Take deep breaths. In and out.)

See, that’s the thing. For many planters, life feels completely filled to the brim. We know we need to take a break, but we struggle to have an imagination for how that actually happens. The rigorous schedule, constant pressure and lingering anxiety can be a vicious cycle that we easily fall into. It can often feel like life is running away with us.

This was where I found myself that day when I realized it had been multiple weeks since our last day off. I knew something needed to change.

Rhythms of life

We all have a calling to work to extend God’s kingdom. Equally, we have a calling to rest from that work. He invites us to work with him and he promises us rest. It’s essential to live into each of these realities and have a rhythm of both in our lives. Jesus is always our model and he lived a life of rest and work. It was a fundamental spiritual discipline that he engaged in regularly.

We need to have a rhythm of life that swings fully into actual rest—where we are recreated, refreshed, restored, reconnected to ourselves, God and others. It’s then that we can swing back fully into actual work—not striving and stress-filled, but moving out in God’s power, where there is an ease to our work because of the Spirit’s power behind us.

The big questions are:

How do we live our lives in a way that swings into both worlds when planting a church? How do we not neglecting one or the other? How can we have this rhythm swinging in a healthy way?

Before jumping straight to the practicals, the best place to begin is to take a look at our thoughts and beliefs about rest and work. We can have all the best plans for rest, but often something at the core still keeps us from it. If you are feeling worn out, stressed, and tired today consider: What are the thoughts behind those feelings?

Those thoughts are fuel

Just like in a car, our thoughts end up driving many of our decisions and actions. When we can identify the thoughts, we can begin the process of allowing the Lord to renew our minds. We can’t do battle with something that is nameless. Identifying the thought and belief is the first step.

Some of the common thoughts that we may think are:

We may believe that rest is not productive, helpful or accomplishing anything.
We may think we have to earn our down time.
We feel we are being lazy if we need rest.
We may see busyness as a status symbol or a confirmation that we’re doing it right, so we avoid rest.
We may believe that rest is deserved only in proportion to how crazy full our life is.
We may believe rest is impossible if we have young children.
We may think that rest is only found on the beach with a cold soda in hand and no one else around.
We may think that rest is “me” time, and that feels simply like I’m being selfish.

Are there ones you identify with?

When we recognize, with compassionate curiosity, the thoughts and beliefs we have about rest and work we open ourselves up to God’s empowering presence. Only then can we make space for the Lord to speak to us, heal us and bring freedom through renewing our minds.

The truth that sets us free to rest is that God can handle things without me for one day. He has got this!

Today consider what thoughts or beliefs keep you from resting and taking a break? What good news does God want you to know about that? How can you respond to that good news this week?

4 Ways to Stop the Cycle of Non-Discipleship

by Deb Sternke · Feb 9, 2017

I had an opportunity to share on the V3 blog about 4 Ways to Stop the Cycle of Non-Discipleship.

4 Ways to Stop the Cycle of Non-Discipleship

The beginning of planting our first church was a time of passionate vision, excitement about possibilities and anticipation about what God would do through our emerging community. Dallas Willard’s quote about the church and discipleship stirred our hearts:

We must be disciples, we must intend to make disciples, and we must know how to bring people to believe that Jesus really is the one.

The Brick Wall

As the first few months went on, despite the books, conferences, and podcasts on discipleship we were consuming, we quickly became aware that we had no idea what we were doing.

I was left with this question….

How am I suppose to make disciples when I’ve never been directly discipled by anyone?

I was struck that no one had ever intentionally come alongside me to disciple me—to show me the way.

And I wasn’t alone.

In fact, Dallas Willard also said, “Non-discipleship is the elephant in the church.”

This is the reality I was bumping up against. Most of us have not had a discipling relationship where someone has walked alongside us to help us be with Jesus, to learn from him on how to be like him.

Instead of wallowing in self-pity (which I was tempted to do!), I resolved that the cycle of non-discipleship would not continue through me.

[Read more…]

Book Review: Church As Movement

by Deb Sternke · Sep 9, 2016

This is a guest post I wrote on my husband’s blog (bensternke.com) reviewing the new book Church As Movement by JR Woodward and Dan White Jr. This post is a part of a blog tour of reviews for the book.

When it comes to discipleship, most of our churches follow the methods and ways of traditional learning. We teach classes, launch programs or go through sermon series to cover an area of discipleship.

While information is a part of the process of discipleship, it is incomplete as a whole to help us learn and practice the ways of Jesus.

Discipleship was the engine of Jesus’ ministry. It is where he spent the most time and energy. His discipleship was in the context of face-to-face relationships with a small number of people.

The disciples were invited into an intentional relationship with Jesus to learn what he knew and discover who he was. Jesus’ final words to the church was to go and make disciples: Do the same as he did, reproduce and pass on what has been invested in them. As followers of Jesus, we all have this call to discipleship.

Chapter Four of Church as Movement is about making disciples, and why it needs to be central to your church planting process from the very beginning. Woodward and White explain,

“At the center of church as movement is learning how to be disciples and make disciples.”

The authors begin by looking at how Jesus discipled others – using him as their model. From this place, they share tools and content to help us move into a more complete process when it comes to making disciples.

Giving us a vision and practical handlebars for this process, we learn how we can create safe spaces for peoples to be who they are, but also stretch them towards the narrow way of Jesus.

They define discipleship as “a move towards accountability and vulnerability to learn and practice the way of Jesus on mission.”

For the church planter, this is often begins within the context of gathering a core team. This essential section of the book dives into some important things you will need: from tools to help you discern who to invite into the core team, to the importance of creating a space that is safe as well as stretching, to the four phases that your core team will go through (each very important!) and a tool to help us pay attention to and process the moments where God is at work in our lives.

Here are a few of my favorite quotes from this chapter (so hard to pick just a few!):

“Merely transferring spiritual information can inoculate us to on-the-ground practice. Practice is being formed and informed by the bumps, bruises and baptism of application… this is being a Jesus follower.”

“True learning doesn’t take place until we learn experientially. And experiential learning often starts with someone modeling what we are to do.”

“We must engage the relational work of cultivating disciples in community.”

“Jesus was an expert at asking questions that challenged people’s underlying assumptions. We would do good to model this in our discipleship process.”

“We are shaped by experiencing deep, abiding safety, where we are loved as we are while simultaneously being loved enough to be invited into transformation, mission and doing some challenging things.”

“Each stage [of the phases of a discipleship core] brings certain challenges that have to be faced, worked through and resolved if the group is going to survive.”

“Disruptive moment[s].. call us to respond to God’s invitation… and we are challenged to listen.”

“Who you invite to become part of the discipleship core is one of the first and most far-reaching decision you will have to make as you start a missional-incarnational community.”

As someone who is currently in the midst of church planting, I highly recommend this book for anyone wanting to learn how to be a disciple of Jesus and make disciples like he did. It is a must read for those wanting to start and sustain missional-incarnational communities.

For those wanting to pick up a copy, you can do so on Amazon or InterVarsity Press.

Check out more info and resources around the book on the Church As Movement website.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

4 Things I Wish I Had Known Before We Planted A Church

by Deb Sternke · Aug 18, 2016

I had an opportunity to share on the V3 blog about 4 Things I Wish I Had Known Before We Planted A Church.

4 Things I Wish I Had Known Before We Planted A Church

I remember the conversation like it was yesterday. It was one of those turning-point conversations that seemed small in the moment but ended up being very significant. I was finishing up some dishes in the kitchen after a long day with our four kids. My husband brought it up slowly.

I have a feeling God is asking us to plant a church . . . What do you think?

Blank stare. Jaw drops. Anxiety flooded my heart, making me quite nauseous as I loaded the last plate into the dishwasher.

My response: No way.

Having been in ministry for a while, I had seen lots of trying situations for people leading churches. In my mind, planting a church meant work that never ended. It meant struggles, conflicts, disappointment, and hardship. I did not want to go there.

Long story short, after lots of wrestling, surrendering, and seeing God’s vision for the body of Christ, we planted our first church in northeast Indiana in 2008. We were working to plant a community that had discipleship and mission at its core. It was a difficult but amazing journey.

And guess what. We’re planting another church—this time with some good friends in the Indianapolis area. We learned that planting is a lot of work and that there’s real wisdom in going out in pairs.

As I reflect back, here are four things I wish we had known before we planted the first time… [read more]