Church planting

5 Vital Things Church Planting Spouses Need to Thrive

by Deb Sternke · Apr 9, 2018

I had an opportunity to share on the V3 blog about 5 Vital Things Church Planting Spouses Need to Thrive.

V3 is a church planting movement that comes alongside church plants to support and train through learning cohorts, assessments, and resources. Our church plant has greatly appreciated their help!

5 Vital Things Church Planting Spouses Need to Thrive

Like many spouses who supported their partners through schooling, I was thrilled to finally see the end of a long, hard season. My husband Ben had just graduated and was now moving into his first full-time ministry job. That’s when reality hit me: This is going to make me a “pastor’s wife”.

And then I did one of the worst things you could possibly do: I drove to the library and checked out all the books I could find on being a pastor’s wife. I needed to know what this new role was going to look like – I needed a “What to Expect When You’re a Pastor’s Spouse” type of book. Something to show me the ropes, help me see what would be coming and get me prepared for this new life.

Now, these kinds of books are probably much better than they used to be. However, at the time, what I found basically said now that I’m a pastor’s wife it means that my marriage, my family and every area of our lives would be under stress, overworked and on the brink of collapse.

Is it all going to be hard?

Church planting has its unique challenges and is different than leading an existing church. There can be lots of meetings at your house, financial risks can weigh heavy, social pressures that can linger, there are millions of details to think through, etc.

Planting a church does put you to the test, but it hasn’t been all doomsday and horror. It’s true that it hasn’t been easy, but it hasn’t been exactly what I feared it would be either. For me, it has been rewarding, life-giving, beautiful AND it has been challenging, difficult and draining.

So, being intentional about self-care during this season has been a lifesaver. There are many things I know now that I wish I knew then.

Here are five vital things that supported and sustained me as we stepped into church planting and ministry roles:

1.Find a support network outside of your spouse

There are those rare people who aren’t in ministry who know how to listen and ask appropriate questions without judgment or quick fixes. However, being able to talk with others who are in the same role was crucial.

Regularly chatting with other pastor’s spouses helped to normalize everything I was feeling, thinking and experiencing. It’s easy to feel alone and like you’re the only one going through this. Talking with others opened up a sense of mutuality and gave me a sense of “I’m not the only one.”

If your spouse is the only one you talk to about the highs and lows of planting it won’t be enough. You need others who can listen, be there for you, say, “Yeah, me too.” and pray for you. Look for this kind of support… take some time to find others.

2. Schedule regular date nights

“One of the best investments you can make into your marriage is a weekly date night.”

That was the best marriage advice we ever got; it has also been the hardest advice to implement. On a pastor’s salary and with no family nearby, it was hard to imagine how this would be possible. Eventually, we found an older teenager who loved kids and made it a regular part of our week.

Being able to connect, be present with each other, and have fun together has been a marriage saver. Our kids got the opportunity to see that Dad and Mom love spending time together. And honestly, I was a better mom once I got back because I wasn’t so stressed!

There are so many creative resources for date nights out there, but even if it’s simply sitting on the porch with some drinks- it will be worth it. If once a week doesn’t sound doable, give once a month a shot.

3. If you have kids, take them on Daddy/Mommy dates

Kids remember the time you spent with them. The little conversations. How you were present with them. The intentional quality time. It shows them that they are important and special.

These kinds of connection can help you weather any storm. I remember my Dad taking me out to McDonald’s for ice cream with great fondness.

Invest in quality time with each kiddo: Coffee dates, go out to eat, see a movie, walk to the pond to skip rocks, etc.

4. Invest in coaching

In church planting, you will probably quickly discover that you give a lot. You pour out in so many areas and in so many ways.

Here’s the thing: if you only have an outflow and no inflow – you’re in danger. Having an inflow to sustain the outflow will save you from running on empty and drying up.

When we have both an inflow and outflow, we have a natural dynamic that brings life. We are giving and getting, being filled and passing it on, investing and receiving – this is how we become like the spring of eternal life Jesus talks about in the gospel of John. Living and loving like Jesus is marked by being filled AND giving it away. Find someone to invest in you.

5. Remember the success or failure of this church plant is not up to you

Repeat that. Now repeat that again. You may even want to tattoo this on your forehead so you can read it in a mirror every time you are struggling to believe it.

It’s so easy to fall into striving, feeling like it’s all up to you and your spouse, pushing yourself beyond your physical and emotional limits, etc. When we live out of this kind of performance-based mentality it always weighs us down. It will never bring the easy yoke that Jesus spoke of in the gospels.

We are partners with a living God who is alive and active in us and through us. The life to which we are called is one of partnership with a loving, willing, and powerful God who chooses to use his people to bring healing to the nations. He is the initiator and finisher; you can release the church plant to Him.

Church planting is a unique call that involves the whole family. Supporting spouses and kids throughout the process is essential so that they can all thrive. I pray that these few suggestions help you be supported and sustained through this enriching and exciting season!

Book Review: Church As Movement

by Deb Sternke · Sep 9, 2016

This is a guest post I wrote on my husband’s blog (bensternke.com) reviewing the new book Church As Movement by JR Woodward and Dan White Jr. This post is a part of a blog tour of reviews for the book.

When it comes to discipleship, most of our churches follow the methods and ways of traditional learning. We teach classes, launch programs or go through sermon series to cover an area of discipleship.

While information is a part of the process of discipleship, it is incomplete as a whole to help us learn and practice the ways of Jesus.

Discipleship was the engine of Jesus’ ministry. It is where he spent the most time and energy. His discipleship was in the context of face-to-face relationships with a small number of people.

The disciples were invited into an intentional relationship with Jesus to learn what he knew and discover who he was. Jesus’ final words to the church was to go and make disciples: Do the same as he did, reproduce and pass on what has been invested in them. As followers of Jesus, we all have this call to discipleship.

Chapter Four of Church as Movement is about making disciples, and why it needs to be central to your church planting process from the very beginning. Woodward and White explain,

“At the center of church as movement is learning how to be disciples and make disciples.”

The authors begin by looking at how Jesus discipled others – using him as their model. From this place, they share tools and content to help us move into a more complete process when it comes to making disciples.

Giving us a vision and practical handlebars for this process, we learn how we can create safe spaces for peoples to be who they are, but also stretch them towards the narrow way of Jesus.

They define discipleship as “a move towards accountability and vulnerability to learn and practice the way of Jesus on mission.”

For the church planter, this is often begins within the context of gathering a core team. This essential section of the book dives into some important things you will need: from tools to help you discern who to invite into the core team, to the importance of creating a space that is safe as well as stretching, to the four phases that your core team will go through (each very important!) and a tool to help us pay attention to and process the moments where God is at work in our lives.

Here are a few of my favorite quotes from this chapter (so hard to pick just a few!):

“Merely transferring spiritual information can inoculate us to on-the-ground practice. Practice is being formed and informed by the bumps, bruises and baptism of application… this is being a Jesus follower.”

“True learning doesn’t take place until we learn experientially. And experiential learning often starts with someone modeling what we are to do.”

“We must engage the relational work of cultivating disciples in community.”

“Jesus was an expert at asking questions that challenged people’s underlying assumptions. We would do good to model this in our discipleship process.”

“We are shaped by experiencing deep, abiding safety, where we are loved as we are while simultaneously being loved enough to be invited into transformation, mission and doing some challenging things.”

“Each stage [of the phases of a discipleship core] brings certain challenges that have to be faced, worked through and resolved if the group is going to survive.”

“Disruptive moment[s].. call us to respond to God’s invitation… and we are challenged to listen.”

“Who you invite to become part of the discipleship core is one of the first and most far-reaching decision you will have to make as you start a missional-incarnational community.”

As someone who is currently in the midst of church planting, I highly recommend this book for anyone wanting to learn how to be a disciple of Jesus and make disciples like he did. It is a must read for those wanting to start and sustain missional-incarnational communities.

For those wanting to pick up a copy, you can do so on Amazon or InterVarsity Press.

Check out more info and resources around the book on the Church As Movement website.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

4 Things I Wish I Had Known Before We Planted A Church

by Deb Sternke · Aug 18, 2016

I had an opportunity to share on the V3 blog about 4 Things I Wish I Had Known Before We Planted A Church.

4 Things I Wish I Had Known Before We Planted A Church

I remember the conversation like it was yesterday. It was one of those turning-point conversations that seemed small in the moment but ended up being very significant. I was finishing up some dishes in the kitchen after a long day with our four kids. My husband brought it up slowly.

I have a feeling God is asking us to plant a church . . . What do you think?

Blank stare. Jaw drops. Anxiety flooded my heart, making me quite nauseous as I loaded the last plate into the dishwasher.

My response: No way.

Having been in ministry for a while, I had seen lots of trying situations for people leading churches. In my mind, planting a church meant work that never ended. It meant struggles, conflicts, disappointment, and hardship. I did not want to go there.

Long story short, after lots of wrestling, surrendering, and seeing God’s vision for the body of Christ, we planted our first church in northeast Indiana in 2008. We were working to plant a community that had discipleship and mission at its core. It was a difficult but amazing journey.

And guess what. We’re planting another church—this time with some good friends in the Indianapolis area. We learned that planting is a lot of work and that there’s real wisdom in going out in pairs.

As I reflect back, here are four things I wish we had known before we planted the first time… [read more]