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Being A Spring, Not a Bucket

Being A Spring, Not a Bucket

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Awhile back, one of our pastors asked me if I would give a short talk at an upcoming women’s retreat. I had planned to attend this event, but I wasn’t planning to speak at it! I felt all the excuses quickly building in my mind like a Tetris game. And my response was the usual one: FEAR.

A litany of anxieties began to go through my thoughts:

  • I don’t really have anything to offer.
  • I have no idea what to say or do.
  • I’m not as good of a communicator or teacher as “______ (fill in the blank)”.
  • I’m not equipped or trained enough.

After much arguing with God, and processing with trusted friends, I very reluctantly agreed to give the short talk at the retreat.

In that moment, though, I realized something. This was the pattern of my life: feeling fear and reluctance towards opportunities to give.

See for me, listening to sermons, going to conferences, devouring books, journaling my experiences, receiving healing prayer for past wounds were all a regular part of my life. And I loved it! However, something always was off. I noticed that I felt like I was standing still – sluggish and stale.

Imagine for a moment a pool of water that has no outflow. This was me – always receiving and rarely giving. The result: I had become stagnant. I was a container only. And the life within was becoming stale.

Inflow AND Outflow

If we are followers of Jesus, we are to have an inflow and outflow to our lives. Jesus was filled up by the Father AND he gave to those around him. We are to have this same kind of life. We are called to be springs of living water and not containers.

Living and loving like Jesus is marked by being filled AND giving it away. When we live like Jesus we become like a spring of water welling up to eternal life. (Jn 4:13)

If you’re a visual learner like me, seeing helps you understand. It’s why I find pictorial tools and matrices so helpful. So, here’s a matrix showing this dynamic of having an inflow and an outflow to our lives:

inflow outflow

Strong inflow, but low outflow

The result here is that we are SWELLING UP. Because we are always receiving we become bloated, stagnant and stale. The “water” within us is not flowing but is still. And therefore it is not a place for life to flourish. We can become hoarding and in the end “fat” in this quadrant. Here we are essentially consumers.

Low inflow and low outflow

In this quadrant we are DRYING OUT. We are neither being filled, nor pouring out. We become like a dry desert, where nothing is happening and everything is dead.

Strong outflow, but low inflow

This is where we are TRICKLING OUT. We are endlessly running on empty because we are giving constantly. We are exhausted at the pace. We feel as though we could faint at any moment. Burn out is always just around the corner. And honestly, what we do give is not abundant, healthy life. Here we are the providers.

Strong inflow AND strong outflow

When we have a strong inflow AND a strong outflow — we are SPRINGING UP. We become like an actual spring of living water. We are giving and taking, being filled and passing it on, investing and receiving – we become like the spring of eternal life Jesus talks about in the gospel of John. Here we are partners: Partners with a living God who is alive and active in us and through us.

What holds us back?

So, what keeps us from having a strong inflow of receiving? And what keeps us from having a strong outflow of giving? What kinds of internal and external resistors are keeping us from being a spring of living water?

I’m sure it is different for everyone. For me, it was fear. This kept me in the top left quadrant for a long, long time.

Hearing God say that what I have is needed gives me to courage to keep stepping out in generosity. I may not have the same gifting and competencies as others, but what I do have may be exactly what someone needs. It’s not better, just different.

The world NEEDS me and YOU! What God has done in us may bring breakthrough, healing and freedom for someone else. And keeping it to ourselves, may cause them to stay stuck!

  • Jesus promised us that whoever is thirsty to come to him and drink – that rivers of living water will flow from within them. (Jn 7:37-38)
  • We are also encouraged in Ephesians 5:18 to be filled with the Spirit. The words “be filled” is more of a sense of “BE BEING filled” – it’s a continual process.
  • And in Revelation 22, it says that waters of life flow from the throne of God, and on either side of this river of water trees of life grow and their leaves are for the healing of the nations.

This is the life that is available and within reach for each of us today. The life to which we are called, is one of partnership with a loving, willing and powerful God who chooses to use his people to bring healing to the nations. What an amazing life!

 

How about you? Which quadrant to you tend to live in? What internal or external pressures keep you there? What one step can you take today to respond to the call to be a spring of living water? 

How Simply Asking Questions Is Transforming My Parenting

How Simply Asking Questions Is Transforming My Parenting

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questions

One afternoon, I was scrolling through Instagram and noticed a friend’s pictures from our local Intermediate School’s Awards Day earlier that morning.

“Gasp! That was today! Ugh, I thought it was tomorrow!”

Scrambling through my calendar, I discovered I had accidentally marked it down on the wrong day and missed it. Sigh…

Honestly, I don’t like mistakes. Actually, they really bother me.

But, I often learn better lessons through my mistakes than my successes. So I’m trying to pay attention to my mistakes (big and small) and see them as teachers, instead of ignoring them and hoping they go away! Henry Ford said, “Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.”

Recently, I noticed a mistake I was frequently making as a parent. I’ve got four kids, so parenting is something I do a LOT of!

The Downward Spiral

Here’s the pattern I noticed:

It starts when I feel frustrated about a situation. I notice the peanut butter has been left out on the counter (AGAIN!). I overhear an argument simmering between sisters. I glance at the daily chores that are STILL not done. I get a call from my daughter asking if I could bring in the school project that she forgot on the counter.

Here’s where it goes downhill. My usual response to these situations is to:

  1. Point out what’s wrong.
  2. Tell them how to fix it.

I used to think this was clearly the obvious and most straightforward way of dealing with these minor parenting frustrations. I don’t think so any more.

Attending to the Kairos

Instead of the “fix my kids” strategy, I’ve been learning to pay attention to the kairos moment of the situation.

Let me explain.

Kairos is a Greek word for time. Not linear, step-by-step time (that’s chronos), but somethng more along the lines of important time, significant moments, special times…

Essentially, kairos moments are times where God is opening a door of opportunity for learning and growth. It’s a moment where we have the opportunity to hear God speaking to us, a time where he is inviting us to step more fully into abundant life.

But to take advantage of the opportunity, we need to slow down and begin to observe what is happening in our souls and take time to reflect curiously and compassionately on what’s going on beneath the surface. That’s where the magic happens.

Kairos for Kids (And Me!)

In each of the frustrating situations I referred to earlier, my kids are having a kairos moment (I am too, of course!). They have before them an incredible opportunity to slow down, begin to observe and reflect on what happened and hear what God is saying to them through this moment.

From that place of “compassionate curiosity,” they can repent (simply, change their thinking) and believe (step into a new action rooted in the new thinking). A learning opportunity of massive potential in the making!

Short-Circuiting Kairos Moments

But my “fix-it” response to my own sense of frustration in these moments short-circuits this process before any of the learning can even begin. Instead of asking questions to help them recognize the kairos moment, I quickly point out what I think their kairos should be (completely skipping over observing and reflecting), totally ignore what God might be saying to them through it and basically just give them my advice on how they can remedy the problem (And honestly, it’s so I don’t have to feel frustrated any more).

Can anyone else relate to this? (Hopefully this isn’t just me!)

How many of us enjoy it when others point out our shortcomings and then dish out advice on what we need to do better? Not me!

Slowing Down Enough To Ask the Right Questions

So instead of reacting in “fix it” mode, what if I began to simply slow down in these moments? What if I could step into the kairos with them as an advocate and supporter? What if I ask them questions about the situation that would cause them to realize the kairos?

Instead of Mom swooping in, pointing out what is going on and what they need to do about it (which, incidentally, never seems to help as much as I think it will!), they are able to take ownership of the situation, and begin to observe, reflect and grow.

This could open up a safe, supportive conversation where I say “Let’s look at this together! I’m on your side, I’m with you and I’m for you.” In the end, they hear what the God, their gracious Father, is saying to them and they choose how to respond in action.

Instead of “Hey kiddo – here’s your kairos, I’m frustrated about it, here’s how it would really go better if you’d take my advice. Now what are you going to do about it?!?”, it can be the beginning of a powerful learning opportunity where growth happens and lasts. They actually feel empowered to take a look at the situation and change the trajectory of their lives.

 

Today, how can you slow down and simply ask questions in your parenting? How can you lay aside frustration at the moment and step into this opportunity of learning with your kids?

For more on Kairos moments, check out these blogposts:

What keeps me from taking a good look?

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3DM’s Learning Circle is a fabulous tool that helps us recognize what God is up to in our lives by noticing what we call a Kairos moment–an “aha” moment, a time when God’s kingdom is “at hand,” available, within reach. The Learning Circle helps us hear what God is saying to us and respond to it appropriately. Basically, what Jesus called repenting and believing.

LS_circle_2

Whenever we have one of these “aha” moments, though, the very first step is to simply observe. We need to take a good, close, honest, vulnerable look at what is really going on. But oftentimes it’s tempting to skip over this step, or hurry through it quickly, or “spin” our observation a little to make it not seem so bad.

Why is this? I’ve been thinking about this lately. What keeps us from observing well? What holds us back from taking a good, close, honest look at ourselves? For me, if I’m honest, oftentimes it’s shame and fear that keep me from observing well. It’s so much easier to just skim the surface and move over the Kairos quickly. I try to distract myself because it’s not a pretty sight to see!

My unspoken inner dialogue says something like, “Ooh, that’s an ugly one. Let’s just move onto what I’m going to do about it!”

Sometimes a Kairos reveals a situation in my heart that’s so uncomfortable and seemingly ugly that I feel like Kramer in an episode of Seinfield, where he has taken up pipe smoking and, unbeknownst to him, ends up with wrinkly, leathery skin and brown teeth. Jerry points this out to him, and when Kramer sees his reflection in the mirror, he mutters, “Look away, I’m hideous,” and runs out of the room.

The shame can be so strong that I don’t sit and observe. Instead, like Kramer, I run off. This is exactly what Adam and Eve did after the Fall. They were afraid because they felt shame, so they hid. But repentance always begins in simple observation. And transformation never happens without repentance. So in refusing to observe I am actually resisting transformation.

This question haunts me: How often have I missed out on an incredible breakthrough that the Father had for me because fear and shame kept me from observing?

Someone once said, “God only reveals things to heal things.” So I am learning to rest in the confidence that if it’s being revealed, it’s because God wants to heal something. It means there is blessing just around the corner, if I’ll sit and observe and let it lead me to repentance. Because we live in God’s kingdom, every obstacle is an opportunity. For every struggle, there is a solution. For every battle, there is a breakthrough. That the kingdom reality for us now.

But we will miss the kingdom unless we can observe, sit with, and name “what is.” Because of God’s grace, there is freedom to observe because there is no shame or blame in God’s kingdom. In the midst of our our failures, mistakes and shortcomings, the Father’s love remains unconditional. His attitude toward us never changes. It’s constant, persistent and unending. He is not shocked, surprised or taken aback. He simply looks at it with us and says, “There grace for that!”

Here are three ways to observe well:

  1. Slow down. Think slow motion movie. Physically sit down and stop moving. Talk it out to yourself, a friend or with the Lord about what is actually going on in you. Journal about what you’re seeing, feeling, thinking.
  2. Sit with what is. Notice every detail: emotions, reactions, circumstances, thoughts. Yours and any other people involved.
  3. Remind yourself out loud about God’s grace. You can take an honest look because there is no shame or blame in the Kingdom of God. If it’s coming up, it’s because God wants to set us free and heal us.

Follow up steps:

  • Reflect and discuss with a trusted friend. This is often asking WHY and taking a deeper look at your observations.
  • Finally, prayerfully ask yourself: What is God saying to me in this Kairos? What will I do to respond?

Check out these resources for more on the Learning Circle:

Identity and Hearing the Father’s Voice

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“And a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.”

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Our daughter Ella has always been quite the contemplative type. Even when she was a baby, her facial expressions were an exhibition of contemplation. We were always curious about what was going through her little head.

As she has grown older, she will often share questions and thoughts that make us wonder how a young girl comes up with such ponderings?

One day, she asked my husband, “Daddy, how did I come to know my name is Ella?”

Considering the question, my husband replied, “Well… I suppose ever since you were born we held you close and said your name to you over and over. Until eventually you came to know and believe that’s who you were!”

Taking a moment to weigh the answer, she then simply responds, “Okay, thanks!”, and turned to skip away.

It struck me after this interaction, that we as children of God receive our identity in much the same way. He is our creator and Father. Through Jesus we are connected to the Father and this defines who we are: beloved children created for a Kingdom purpose.

Out of that place of identity; knowing and believing who we are; we find freedom to obey God because it’s truly a reflection of who we are. It’s simply the most consistent way of expressing our identity – a natural response to knowing who we are.

For most of us, this understanding of who we are is a journey and sometimes a struggle of hearing and beliving this truth. We often find our identity in many places other than our Father. And as a result, we respond to life in ways that aren’t consistent with who we really are.

The process of having our identity formed in us is one that can sometimes take awhile. Just like a garden takes time to grow or a piece of sea glass takes time to become smooth.

When we find ourselves struggling with our identity, the good news is that we simply need to go back to the Father to hear him speak to us again. Just like Ella, we held her close, said her name and spoke words of love and approval to her. The Father wants us to come close and speak who we are to us and tell us again of his love for us.

At the beginning of Jesus’ ministry, he heard the Father speak to him in much the same way, “This is my Son, whom I love, with him I’m well pleased.” Notice it was from that important place that Jesus began his ministry and was subsequently lead out into the desert where Satan tested him in none other than his identity! “If you are the Son of God…”

One of the things we as parents try to say often to our kids is: “Remember WHO you are and WHOSE you are. You are precious. You are loved. You were made for adventure in the Kingdom of God!” The Father says the same to us today.

Jesus said:

“My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.”

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What does the Father want to speak to you today in terms of your identity? We can never hear too often WHO we are, WHOSE we are and that we are loved.

Word from God for 2014

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Last year, my huddle leader encouraged us to spend some time asking God for a word that would define the year for us. At that time, I felt like the word for me was growth.

As I reflect on the past year, I am so thankful for all that God has done. When I felt overwhelmed at circumstances, the word growth brought much comfort and strength knowing that he is using all things to work together for my good. When I felt excited at new possibilities, the word growth assured me of his leading and that he is showing me the way.

In preparation for this year, I was excited to do the same exercise. And this year’s word seemed to build on last year’s, in that it will be a year of continued growth. First, God brought a scripture to mind:

You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace.
Is 55:12

I felt his encouragement to remember that in this next season of continued growth, overflowing joy and unending peace will be my constant traveling companions. They will be there to guard my heart and mind.

Then another scripture came to mind:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord, “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”
Jer 29:11

I recognize that when I say yes to God, I tend to think that it’s going to be all struggle, all difficulty and I just need to suck it up and muscle through. But God’s perspective is quite different. While there may be struggle and it might be difficult – his ultimate plans are to prosper me and not to harm me, so the struggle is simply an investment in a future blessing. His desire for me is to thrive, for things to turn out well – even turn out amazingly! Ultimately, his longing for me is to step more fully into the Kingdom and ALL of its fullness.

Therefore, my 2014 word is “Step in and step up.”

Step in to new areas of growth and stretching, knowing joy and peace are right by my side. Step up even though my tendency is to step down or away. In believing that God’s plans are good, I can embrace them trusting that they will help me to thrive.

The foundational reality is that God is good and God is with me. He gives me his grace. All his plans are to help me prosper and not to harm me. He is working to give me a hope and a wonderful future of adventure and blessing in Kingdom living. It’s going to be a good, good year!

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What is the word God wants to give to you for this year? In what ways can you open your life up to that word of grace working in you?