Deb Sternke

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3 Ways To Help Your Introverted Child in Missional Community

3 Ways To Help Your Introverted Child in Missional Community

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I’m excited to share this week on the V3 blog about 3 Ways To Help Your Introverted Child in Missional Community.

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V3 is a church planting movement that desires to come alongside you as you seek to plant churches that are a sign, foretaste and instrument of God’s kingdom. Growing a movement involves having a vibrant faith, a viral hope and a concrete love.  They seek to foster these through all they do: our learning cohorts, our assessments, multicultural churches and resources.

Our church plant is currently going through a learning cohort and it is tremendously helpful!

3 Ways To Help Your Introverted Child in Missional Community

In our first church plant in 2008, we experimented with mid-sized groups called Missional Communities (MCs). MCs are kind of like extended families: groups of fifteen to forty people focused on a relational network or neighborhood.

The experience of doing life together, of living a life on mission with a group of people, was life changing for our family. [read more…]

Simple Repeatable Rhythms

Simple Repeatable Rhythms

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One of my favorite books lately has been the 4:8 Principle: The Secret To A Joy Filled Life by Tommy Newberry. This little yellow book is packed full of simple tips and rhythms to develop joy in our lives. It is based on Philippians 4:8 —

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

Having simple repeatable rhythms in our lives cultivate places where we are desiring something to grow:

  • We want a more intimate marriage, so we go on date nights.
  • We want to be close to our kids, so we take them out on “Daddy or Mommy dates”.
  • We want to have deeper friendships, so we go for weekly exercise walks together. (I particularly love this one because it kills two birds with one stone!)

I’m always on the look out for these kinds of rhythms so I can implement them into my life. Little disciplines like these provide an environment where life can flourish.

In the 4:8 Principle, Newberry shares five bedtime questions to ask your kids. He calls them Daily Questions for 4:8 Kids:

  1. What things am I thankful for, and how could I show my gratitude?
  2. What progress did I make today? (achievements, improvements, discoveries, compliments, and other neat stuff)
  3. What am I looking forward to and excited about in the next week?
  4. What am I really good at, or what could I be great at if I practiced more often?
  5. What’s a fun goal or cool idea I’d like to work on tomorrow?

Aren’t they great! My kids have loved coming up with answers for each question. Having this short conversation shows them that we are interested in them and helps them to think deeply about their life. It has become one of our favorite parts of the week!

Engaging in these rhythms over and over, no matter how mundane, reinforces significance, which leads to security in our hearts and ends with success. Little additions can change the trajectory of a life and have a massive impact down the road!

What simple, repeatable rhythms have you found to cultivate growth in your marriage, your family, your friendships, etc.? 

How Simply Asking Questions Is Transforming My Parenting

How Simply Asking Questions Is Transforming My Parenting

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One afternoon, I was scrolling through Instagram and noticed a friend’s pictures from our local Intermediate School’s Awards Day earlier that morning.

“Gasp! That was today! Ugh, I thought it was tomorrow!”

Scrambling through my calendar, I discovered I had accidentally marked it down on the wrong day and missed it. Sigh…

Honestly, I don’t like mistakes. Actually, they really bother me.

But, I often learn better lessons through my mistakes than my successes. So I’m trying to pay attention to my mistakes (big and small) and see them as teachers, instead of ignoring them and hoping they go away! Henry Ford said, “Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.”

Recently, I noticed a mistake I was frequently making as a parent. I’ve got four kids, so parenting is something I do a LOT of!

The Downward Spiral

Here’s the pattern I noticed:

It starts when I feel frustrated about a situation. I notice the peanut butter has been left out on the counter (AGAIN!). I overhear an argument simmering between sisters. I glance at the daily chores that are STILL not done. I get a call from my daughter asking if I could bring in the school project that she forgot on the counter.

Here’s where it goes downhill. My usual response to these situations is to:

  1. Point out what’s wrong.
  2. Tell them how to fix it.

I used to think this was clearly the obvious and most straightforward way of dealing with these minor parenting frustrations. I don’t think so any more.

Attending to the Kairos

Instead of the “fix my kids” strategy, I’ve been learning to pay attention to the kairos moment of the situation.

Let me explain.

Kairos is a Greek word for time. Not linear, step-by-step time (that’s chronos), but somethng more along the lines of important time, significant moments, special times…

Essentially, kairos moments are times where God is opening a door of opportunity for learning and growth. It’s a moment where we have the opportunity to hear God speaking to us, a time where he is inviting us to step more fully into abundant life.

But to take advantage of the opportunity, we need to slow down and begin to observe what is happening in our souls and take time to reflect curiously and compassionately on what’s going on beneath the surface. That’s where the magic happens.

Kairos for Kids (And Me!)

In each of the frustrating situations I referred to earlier, my kids are having a kairos moment (I am too, of course!). They have before them an incredible opportunity to slow down, begin to observe and reflect on what happened and hear what God is saying to them through this moment.

From that place of “compassionate curiosity,” they can repent (simply, change their thinking) and believe (step into a new action rooted in the new thinking). A learning opportunity of massive potential in the making!

Short-Circuiting Kairos Moments

But my “fix-it” response to my own sense of frustration in these moments short-circuits this process before any of the learning can even begin. Instead of asking questions to help them recognize the kairos moment, I quickly point out what I think their kairos should be (completely skipping over observing and reflecting), totally ignore what God might be saying to them through it and basically just give them my advice on how they can remedy the problem (And honestly, it’s so I don’t have to feel frustrated any more).

Can anyone else relate to this? (Hopefully this isn’t just me!)

How many of us enjoy it when others point out our shortcomings and then dish out advice on what we need to do better? Not me!

Slowing Down Enough To Ask the Right Questions

So instead of reacting in “fix it” mode, what if I began to simply slow down in these moments? What if I could step into the kairos with them as an advocate and supporter? What if I ask them questions about the situation that would cause them to realize the kairos?

Instead of Mom swooping in, pointing out what is going on and what they need to do about it (which, incidentally, never seems to help as much as I think it will!), they are able to take ownership of the situation, and begin to observe, reflect and grow.

This could open up a safe, supportive conversation where I say “Let’s look at this together! I’m on your side, I’m with you and I’m for you.” In the end, they hear what the God, their gracious Father, is saying to them and they choose how to respond in action.

Instead of “Hey kiddo – here’s your kairos, I’m frustrated about it, here’s how it would really go better if you’d take my advice. Now what are you going to do about it?!?”, it can be the beginning of a powerful learning opportunity where growth happens and lasts. They actually feel empowered to take a look at the situation and change the trajectory of their lives.

 

Today, how can you slow down and simply ask questions in your parenting? How can you lay aside frustration at the moment and step into this opportunity of learning with your kids?

For more on Kairos moments, check out these blogposts:

What’s The Difference Between Punishment and Discipline?

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I love the questions kids ask. They are so honest, real, and vulnerable.

In our family, we are past the dizzying early childhood stage of 400+ questions per day and into the deep, thoughtful, reflective, every-so-often questions of the “tween” and teen years. The questions my kids ask me now are sometimes delightful in their perceptivity, and something challenging in their audacity.

They always make me think about things differently and force me to explain things, which really helps me understand them better! Someone once said you really know something when you can teach someone about it. This is what my kids are forcing me into right now, and I absolutely love it (most of the time)!

The other day one of my daughters was expressing some “attitude” (parents will know exactly what this is!), and I needed to make sure she felt some consequence from it. She was understandably upset about this and in her frustration proclaimed, “It feels like you’re punishing me!” I told her I wasn’t punishing her at all, but rather was letting her experience discipline, to which she asked, “So what’s the difference between punishment and discipline!?!?”

I knew there was a difference, but I wasn’t sure how to explain it to her. So I told her it was a great question, and that I would have to think about it for a bit. After thinking and researching for a bit, I came up with the chart below, and used it to discuss with my daughter the distinction between these very different postures.

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Punishment focuses on making someone pay for their past misdeeds, making sure they get what they deserve so they never do it again. It uses guilt, fear, and shame to modify behavior. In the end, it is completely disempowering and only succeeds in crushing people.

On the other hand, discipline focuses on guiding people into future maturity and fruitfulness, making sure they get what they need so they can be transformed. It uses grace-filled consequences and conversation to train people in the character of Christ. It empowers people toward a better future.

After explaining this to my daughter, her countenance changed and she exclaimed, “Oh, that makes sense!”

Punishment and discipline can look similar, but they are very different parenting postures. Learning the grace-filled posture of discipline (rather than the shame-filled posture of punishment) has been a game-changer for our family.