Women

What Keeps Us From Real Rest?

by Deb Sternke · May 11, 2015

We women are ALL tired and busy. Am I right?

We are juggling:

Taking the kids to soccer practice
Helping out with that fundraiser
Serving on the worship team at church
Doing school work
Training for the 5K
Keeping up with our friendships
Finishing off an extra project at work
Planning a date night with the hubs
And much more!

Sounds exhausting just reading that list isn’t it?

Our lives are filled to the brim with these things. They are GOOD things – but, how often do we end up stumbling into bed bone tired and frustrated at all the things that are still on our to do lists? It sometimes feels like life is running away with us.

One of God’s HUGE promises to us is the promise of REST and the invitation to WORK with him. The word “rest” is in the bible over 500 times. Interestingly enough, the word “work” is in the bible just over 500 times as well! It speaks to the importance of living in both realities and having a rhythm of both in our lives.

The big question is…

How do we live our lives in a way that swings into both worlds? How do we not neglecting one or the other? If we are going to talk about rhythm of life, how can we have this rhythm swing in a healthy way? Swinging fully into actual REST – where we are recreated, refreshed, restored, reconnected. And then swinging back fully into actual WORK – not striving and stress-filled, but moving out in God’s power, where there is an ease to our work because of Spirit’s power behind us.

On Jessi Connoley’s blog – Naptime Diaries – she shares an excellent post “We Are Free To Rest” where she discusses the beliefs and thoughts that are behind our actions as it relates to REST.

See we can have all the best plans for REST, but often something at the core still keeps us from it. If you are feeling worn out, stressed, and tired today consider:

What are the thoughts behind those feelings?

Those thoughts are fuel.

Just like in a car, they end up driving many of our decisions and actions. When we can identify those thoughts – we can begin the process of allowing the Lord to renew our minds. We can’t do battle with something that is nameless. Identifying the thoughts is the first step.

Some of the common thoughts that we may thinking about rest that Jessi shares are:

We may believe that rest is not productive or helpful or moving forward.
We may believe that rest equals laziness.
We may hear that we should find rest in Jesus, but we feel we are lazy if we need physical rest.
We may believe that rest is deserved only in proportion to how crazy full our life is.
Maybe rest is impossible if we have young children.
We may believe that rest is only found on the beach with a drink in hand and no children around.
Perhaps, we think that rest is “me” time.
We may think that rest is simply being selfish.

Are there ones you identify with there? Many of them I have recognized and struggled with.

Here’s what it comes down to

Jesus lived a life of REST and WORK. We are all called to be his disciples (be with him, to learn from him, how to be like him) and make disciples (teach others to do the same), but to do that we must look at ourselves FIRST.

We need to recognize, with compassionate curiosity, the thoughts and feelings we have about rest and work. Only then can we allow the Lord to speak to us, heal us and bring freedom from renewing our minds.

It begins with us because we can’t lead others to places we’ve not gone.

If we allow the Spirit to work in us, then out of that overflow we can give to those we are leading and influencing. You will not be the perfect example, but you can be a living example.

The long road

Personally, it’s been a lengthy journey of engaging with these realizations. I could go through and tell you all the steps I took. The decisions I made. The systems and routines that I found helpful.

But unless you see where it all began and the heart behind it, it’s just going to be a bunch of calendars, systems and rules.

So, I want to start by sharing my story with you. The heart behind it all. And from that place we can talk more details. So look for my next post where I share what really knocked me off my rocker, what the Lord said and did through it all.

For now I want to leave you with one of my favorite verses from The Message:

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion?

Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life.

I’ll show you how to take a real rest.

Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it.

Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you.

Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

-Matthew 11:28

How to Bring Challenge: 5 Tips for Disciplers

by Deb Sternke · Aug 23, 2014

It’s time to bring challenge!

I knew it was coming. I understood how important it was. I acknowledged that I needed to do this. I comprehended that this was indeed the most loving thing I could do. I had prayed and prayed about this for weeks… how to bring challenge to someone I was discipling…

Even still, I felt like I had a 25-pound rock in the center of my stomach weighing down every organ in my middle. The sweat across my brow began to trickle down my face. I found myself taking deep breaths every two minutes so that I could catch my breath, which was fast running away from me like a stray cat.

What am I going to say? How do I phrase this so that it brings the right amount of healthy pressure without crushing the person? What if they get offended and run away crying? (Ugh, that sounds horrible!) How do I sandwich it with enough love and encouragement but still speak the truth in love?

—

This is usually what I feel like when I need to bring challenge to someone that I’m discipling. As you can see, I’m a bit of a wreck!

Invitation AND Challenge

Two things are essential in every discipling relationship: invitation and challenge. We know this because this is how Jesus trained his own disciples.

He was amazingly invitational, inviting them into covenant relationship with him, where they had access to his life and he cared for them.

“Come, follow me and I will send you out to fish for people.” – Matthew 4:19
“Do not fear little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the Kingdom.” – Luke 12:32

He was also (at the same time!) incredible challenging, encouraging them to grow and learn and move forward in the journey of learning to represent God, who was their Father.

“Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.” – Luke 9:23
(Speaking to Peter…) “Get behind me, satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God by merely human concerns.” – Matthew 16:23

If we want to make disciples like Jesus did, we need to learn how to calibrate BOTH invitation and challenge.

The trouble is that none of us are hard-wired to do this very well. We all tend to avoid bringing either invitation or challenge. My natural tendency is to be more invitational, avoiding challenge.

I’m pretty good at encouraging people, showing care and concern, reminding people of God’s promises, etc. But I always struggle when it’s time to challenge. That’s when I get butterflies in my stomach. That’s when I obsess and worry about how they will receive it. That’s when I feel anxious about exactly what I will say.

Like all of us, I walk with a limp when it comes to being a disciple-maker.

So How To Bring Challenge Like Jesus Did?

I knew I needed to get better at bringing challenge, so I asked for advice from several people I know who are better at it than me.

(By the way, this is a great strategy for almost every area of life: ask people for help.)

“Tell me everything you know about bringing challenge!” I implored my friends.

Here are 5 tips that I gathered from those conversations:

1. Remember the goal: you want to win the PERSON.

The ultimate goal of bringing challenge is NOT to win an argument, it’s to win the person.

It’s important to say “This issue doesn’t change our relationship. It doesn’t change my commitment to you or my love for you. It’s not that I’m frustrated with you or just want you to shape up! I want you to step into everything that God has for you and this is an issue or area that may be hindering that.”

Your job in bringing challenge is to shine light on reality, not undermine their humanity. They are a beloved child of the King!

[tweet “The ultimate goal of bringing challenge is to win the person.”]

2. Let the challenge be a CONVERSATION.

Instead of bringing challenge as a demand or an ultimatum, bring it as a question that leads to a conversation:

“Can we have a conversation about this?”
“This is what I’m seeing or hearing, could you help me understand where you are coming from?”
“Can you help me see what you see?”

It’s important to remember that your perspective is only a perspective, it’s not objective truth. Humbly acknowledge that you don’t see the full picture and seek to understand their perspective. Beginning the conversation by asking questions is a great way to calibrate some invitation into the challenge. Get clarity – “Here is what I’m seeing… do you agree? Help me understand. Let’s talk about this.”

3. Check YOURSELF before bringing challenge

checkpulse-220 Self-awareness is a HUGE piece of bringing invitation and challenge. Knowing which way you naturally lean is crucial. Knowing how you’re doing internally is vital. So, before bringing challenge, check out how you’re doing physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Ask yourself:

What is my tendency? Invitation or challenge? Do I need to calibrate one way or the other?
How am I doing? What are the undercurrents of my life right now? Am I tired, hungry, stressed?
What are my real motivations for bringing challenge right now? Is it mainly love or more frustration-based?
What are my default avoidances?

Ask the Lord to reveal anything that may be hidden so you can go into the conversation with a clear heart. If you bring lots of baggage into a challenging conversation, it won’t help anyone.

4. OFFER challenge, don’t FORCE it.

gift In bringing challenge, you are offering it to someone, not forcing it down their throat. Make sure they understand that they have the option to “pick up what you’re laying down” or not.

A great phrase I’ve learned is, “Here’s something for you to consider…”

Challenge is not forcing or coercing anyone to do something. They need to always be free to choose, to receive or reject what you are bringing. If you can have an “open hand” with them, it will bring incredible freedom to the conversation.

[tweet “Challenge is not forcing or coercing anyone to do something.”]

5. CAREFULLY CHOOSE timing and location.

Timing and location is SO IMPORTANT for bringing challenge. Pray about when would be best the time to have the conversation. Also remember that just because you see something doesn’t necessarily mean you’re supposed to say something. Praying may be all you’re supposed to do for now.

Consider the location as well. Challenge is best brought in private. Don’t bring challenge to someone in front of others.

Also be aware that some of these conversations won’t have closure at the end. Don’t go for closure if it’s not time for it. Allow people to simply sit with challenge for awhile, and trust that God will be working and speaking in the meantime.

(Many thanks to Jo Saxton, Sally Breen, Matt Tebbe, and my husband Ben Sternke for modeling challenge for me and letting me ask you tons questions!)

I’d love to hear from you! Leave a comment and tell us what have you learned about bringing challenge.

P.S. For more on bringing invitation and challenge like Jesus did, pick up Building a Discipling Culture.

photo credit: mark sebastian via photopin cc

How to Invest in the Five Capitals on Vacation

by Deb Sternke · May 23, 2014

Vacation season is just around the corner! Time for rest, relaxation, reconnection and restoration. If you are in the frozen north enduring the Polar Vortex, I think I can hear your collective cry for a vacation to a warm destination!

Whether you are currently making vacation plans or have already had plans set since last year; whether you are doing a “stay-cation” or going to the Bahamas — I wanted to share a story about how I learned to invest in my vacation in a way that brought a better return in my life. It has to do with thinking about vacation through the lens of the Five Capitals (get 3DM’s book Oikonomics to learn all about the Five Capitals).

One of the biggest “aha” moments of my life came from learning about rhythms of work and rest through 3DM’s Semi-Circle tool, which is rooted in Genesis 1 and John 15. We don’t rest from our work, we work from a place of rest. And when we abide in Christ, we bear fruit. Without rest and abiding, we produce nothing of long-term value. At our core, we are human beings, not human doings.

As I observed and reflected on this truth, I recognized that instead of having rhythms of working and resting, I actually had an unhealthy “shadow rhythm” of striving and crashing! For all sorts of underlying reasons, I would just go-go-go and strive my way through each day, and then when vacation came, I would just crash. Which meant that, ironically, I wasn’t actually resting! It wasn’t really abiding, it was simply escaping and trying to recover from my striving. It would take me several vacation days to “come to” and really start resting, abiding, and reconnecting with myself, God and others.

At the time, my Huddle leader encouraged me to think about vacation as a time to invest in the top four of the Five Capitals, so I could see a return on the investment of a time of abiding. The Five Capitals, in order of value, are:

Spiritual (my relationship with God)
Relational (my relationships with others)
Physical (my ability to expend time and energy)
Intellectual (my creativity and problem-solving)
Financial (my money)

By definition, on vacation we are not growing our financial capital, since we are not working. But instead of thinking of vacation as spending financial capital, think of it as investing financial capital in order to grow the other four capitals! When we are on vacation we have an opportunity to invest our financial capital to grow our other capital. Here are a few things my family and I did the first time we went into a vacation with this kind of intentionality.

Growing spiritual capital: Daily morning prayer and Bible reading (more time than usual), studied a spiritual enrichment book, prayed with kids each night, did a lot of journaling.
Growing relational capital: Took special dates with each of our kids, played lots of games, watched a lot of movies together, went for a lot of walks together, dates as a couple.
Growing physical capital: Got back into a workout routine, got to bed early, slept in a bit, daily activity.
Growing intellectual capital: Picked out two books to read in order to be inspired and learn new things. One fiction book and one nonfiction book.

For some people, that might seem like too much intentionality for a vacation, but for us, the results spoke for themselves. At the end our our vacation, I came away actually feeling

Spiritually refreshed
Relationally reconnected
Physically rested
Intellectually reinvigorated

As I was intentional to spend time abiding, I found I was much more fruitful when swinging back into work. It felt great to work from a place of rest.

Using the Five Capitals as a lens for how to abide well during our vacations was tremendously helpful. We are able to get filled up by the Father thus enabling us to move out in his power and strength.

For more on the Five Capitals: